Wednesday, 1 November 2017

# friendship # life lessons

changing of the seasons

When you have been the cause of someone else's pain honesty no longer becomes a tiresome chore. There is nothing more self-destructive than having a lack of insight. We enjoy dwelling on our own pain to the point of neglecting the internal suffering of others. This degree of narcissism is magnified when we have been the perpetrators of someone else's misery. To let yourself feel what it is to be the cause of someone else's self-pity. You want to destroy yourself to forget everything about it. You want to light up to forget the old irony of the situation. It's hurtful. It's disgusting. It's toxic.

It feels like I never want to get close again. It feels like I never want to trust myself with anything again. It's only me. I'm on my own. I'm a messy person, and I bring all of it with me. I'm much better off not spreading the madness everywhere like i've been doing for the past few years that I've faked it till I've made it. Nobody should come to terms with putting up a facade. I care too much about what other people think of me it's disgusting.

But here I am. I've done all these terrible things, and I've almost ruined lives because of it. You don't see me giving up. For the very first time in my life, I'm no longer running away and avoiding the long, inevitable confrontation that leads to a strain in whatever relationship you have. And gladly, today I learned one of the most important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. To learn that I'm fucking free and no one can do anything about it. The worrisome nature of overthinking, the constant validation, it's an endless fight to insanity. I hope for no one to go to war against never-ending dissatisfaction.

One day you will shed the tears I've cried, say and do the things I've done, only to fall in love with how difficult life can be. No one belongs to you, and no one deserves to be hurt by you. You don't belong to anybody, and you don't deserve to be hurt by anybody. You choose when to ride and you choose when to die. It's stupid to care about what other people think when they could care less if you had been wiped off the face of the earth yesterday.

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