Saturday, 28 October 2017

# conformity # high school

drowning in a sea of responsibilities

Growing up is overrated. The foolish, dishonest and disturbed can't see it, but we will never be any of those things. We are simply a lost cause of hustle and grind for nothing. We are stuck in the past while looking forward to a scarcely promising future. In all our self-loathing and self-loving, we hurt and tear the ones we love the most in the name of adolescence. Growing up brings in the worst of you, and it's a pity that everyone in life goes through it. When I have cheated, and lied and taken more than I can give. When I have struggled to see beyond myself. When you count together everything I have done to make this world a less better place, do I still deserve the sympathy of others? Name me a human who hasn't been a nuisance to someone else.

I'm sure it hurts when sharp words are thrown against you. I'm sure it hurts when you're in a victimizing position, and all of your defenses have left you, but nothing hurts more than knowing you are the cause of any pain, any suffering, any doubt, anything to make someone else silently endure the trauma from your lack of benevolent reciprocation. We are all tyrants of this seemingly candid form of oppression at moments when we are least self-aware, and for that I am in no position to judge others when their intentions were never genuinely malicious in the first place; however, we can't continue to dismiss our faults over and over again. What's living without any form of growth? Is existence even possible without individual autonomy? Is it possible to move forward without taking responsibility for anything and anyone?

I don't know the answers. I don't know how much I want to, as much as I don't know how capable I am of finding those answers, and if there's even such thing as a empirical, fixed response to the question, or if it's the sort of curiosity that will lead you to an endless plethora of options. The only thing I can say is that it's just as normal to hurt others, just as it is to have been hurt once by someone else. We can guilt ourselves all we want, but what's the point of dwelling on our sick ways if we refuse to learn through them, if we refuse to revert and remodel our actions so as to avoid repeating the past? I can't see my future clearly, but I'll get closer to it by constantly admitting that I'll never know anything, despite the fact that I want to. I have to admit that because I don't know how to properly treat myself, I can never know how to properly treat others. I'm going to take responsibility for that now.

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